....An Unenthusiastic Participant
Events of the last two years have led to some serious thinking on my part.
I love my children. I would gladly give my life for either of them. But I don't want, for any reason, under any circumstances, for either of them to give up their lives for me. Not Ever.
No matter how elderly, feeble or incapacitated I become, I NEVER want my kids to have to choose between my needs and the needs of their children ( if they should choose to have children ) or spouses. I wish there was some legal document that would enable me to prevent them from ever having to make that choice. I've told them over and over again how I feel and they've seen and felt the effects of just that situation for themselves ,so they know where I 'm coming from.
I don't care if I have to live in the nursing home from hell. If I know that my kids are living their own lives I will be content. I NEVER want them to have to chose between me and a Little League game, or Hockey game, or a family outting. I NEVER want them to have to miss a school event because of me. I NEVER want their children to experience the anger and frustration and guilt that they themselves have experienced. I NEVER, EVER want to be the cause of tears and tension between my kids and their spouses and children.
I want to make these choices now, before something happens ( God willing, nothing will) that effects my mind and turns me into a person who doesn't see that the attention I demand from my kids may be comforting to me but hurts and undermines the relationships of those my children love.
A lot of people would say we owe it to our parents to "repay" them for caring for us. Bullshit! I didn't bring my kids into this world so I would have ready made caretakers should I need them. I chose to bring them into this world. I'm responsible for them. Not the other way around. The greatest gift I could give them is the freedom to live their own lives.
This whole topic makes me so angry. I feel selfish cause I dispise the position of caretakers that my husband and I find ourselves in. I want so much to just be able to focus on my kids. To enjoy their growing up. I'm saddened when their needs have to be put aside ( and I'm never really sure which are the really important ones, which missed event will leave the biggest scar).Time between spouses in a marrige is so important. It often gets shoved aside for the sake of the kids. Add to that time taken away by caring for a parent and there's not much left. It's the constant having to choose and the guilt ( because either choice leaves someone you care about wanting) and the anger and resentment ( I know they are normal feelings in a situation like this, but they're not nice feelings to feel and are so easily misdirected). We do it because we have to, out of feelings of love and obligation, but the damage being done is not so easily repaired and what is being lost ,can never be regained.
Modern medicine has done much to keep people alive longer, but sometimes that's all it is, they are alive. I imagine things will continue to progress and I may well live to be 100. I truly hope not. At least not if I cannot function independently. And certainly not if it means one of my children will be forced to care for me. Not ever. Though I know that they love me and want the best for me, I wish I could take that decision out of their hands. If somehow, legally, I could prevent them from taking on that responsibility, I could remove the guilt that comes with having to make that decision. The decision would be mine, not theirs.
As it is, I am encouraging my kids to move away when they are adults. Distance can prevent some decisions from being practical. I will miss them, but with telecommunications progressing the way it has, keeping in touch shouldn't be that difficult. I want so very much for their first priority to be their own families, their spouses and children. And for them to enjoy that priority "guilt free".
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