Do we ever really escape the past?
Spent the morning sorting through boxes of old photos. (Part of my Spring dejunking ritual). I found something that surprised me. A stack of letters from when I was in college. I thought I'd gotten rid of them long ago. But, here they are, a crack in the window of the past, testing my resolve to not peer through that particular window ever again.
We were friends. High school friends. Not that I didn't want to be more. I'd had a crush on him the moment I saw him freshman year. But, I wasn't girlfriend material. I had a lot of guy friends but, I was more kid sister than sweetheart. I was the one all the guys came to when they needed advice about their girls. And to be honest they treated me like one of the guys. Except for him.
He teased me. Making me feel feminine when nothing else did. ( I was short, skinny, flat-chested and all that is fashionable now, but wasn't then). He'd say things like "More than a handful (mouthful) is wasted", or "It's not what you got, it's how you use it". He liked to spend time with me. We hung out . He called me all the time and we'd be on the phone for hours. He had girlfriends. Some pretty steady ones. He would pick me up after he took them home and we would park and talk for hours. I thought of him as my best friend. I felt hurt that he had girlfriends and at the same time eternally grateful that he spent time with me. He made me feel unworthy and hopeful at the same time. He would kiss me goodnight and turn my insides to mush. And I would have slept with him in a heartbeat if he'd wanted to.
Then I went to college and he went into the airforce. And things changed. We wrote to each other regularly. At first.
I met guys who, much to my surprise, were interested in me. Romantically interested. I was starting to enjoy myself. And I told him all this when I wrote. His letters got fewer and farther between. He made sarcastic comments about "all my boyfriends". And eventually the letters stopped. I missed them.
Time passed and I met my future husband. Out of the blue, not long after I got engaged, he called. We chatted for a while and I told him I was engaged. After what seemed like an eternity of silence, he said "I thought you'd wait." and hung up.
I haven't seen nor heard from him since. I sent him an invitation to the wedding but, he didn't come. I know he married the girl he was dating in high school. And he has a couple of kids. I've seen his oldest daughter. She's a beauty.
So, here I sit with a stack of letters that I know are gonna open up a whole mess of feelings that I haven't felt in a long, long time, if I choose to open them. It's not like I haven't thought of him in all these years. I have. Certain things, places or songs,(especially songs...all the time we spent in his car talking or listening to the stereo) remind me of him. I even dream about him sometimes.
Aaaakkkkk.......Am I brave enough or stupid enough to do this?